Stupidity is easy, parody is hard: Jesus removed from Texas Bibles


First, read and laugh with this:  “Jesus removed from Texas Bibles”

The Texas Board of Education announced Monday that it will order new Bibles for Texas schools that remove all references to Jesus on the grounds that his teachings are “too liberal” for the classroom. The changes will likely impact Bibles sold throughout the U.S. because Texas buys more Bibles than any other state.

The board approved the changes in a 10 to 5 party-line vote with unanimous support from Republicans.  Dr. Don McLeroy, a dentist and leader of the board’s conservative faction, said the changes were approved without any input from theologians, in keeping with the board’s practice of editing schoolbooks on its own and ignoring experts.

“I know there’s folks who will say we in Texas have no business teaching religion in the classroom, well frankly a bunch of ignorant zealots like us have no business meddling with textbooks either but that’s didn’t stop us from doing so,” McLeroy said. “Here in the republic of Texas we don’t give a lick what the rest of the country thinks, unless of course we need federal money or help with stuff like hurricanes.”

Quotes from Don McLeroy are a little creepy, no?  You know it’s parody — isn’t it? — and yet the quotes and tone just ring so  . . . true.

It’s a parody, right? Isn’t it?  This can’t be accurate, right?

Oh. My. Cthulu.  Look at this:  “Blessed are the conservative in Bible translation.”

The project, an online effort to create a Bible suitable for contemporary conservative sensibilities, claims Jesus’ quote is a disputed addition abetted by liberal biblical scholars, even if it appears in some form in almost every translation of the Bible.

The project’s authors argue that contemporary scholars have inserted liberal views and ahistorical passages into the Bible, turning Jesus into little more than a well-meaning social worker with a store of watered-down platitudes.

“Professors are the most liberal group of people in the world, and it’s professors who are doing the popular modern translations of the Bible,” said Andy Schlafly, founder of Conservapedia.com, the project’s online home.

Wait.  That’s got to be a parody, right?  No?

That’s not parody?  “Andy Schlafly” really exists, and despite his appearing to be so stupid as to have to be reminded to breathe, he’s complaining about Jesus’s liberal views?

Gods forgive them For Christ’s sake, God, stop them now, for they know nothing.  They know NOTHING.

You can be sure that, were Glenn Beck still alive today, he’d be out there to complain about people like Schlafly “rewriting the words of the founders.”

Tip of the old scrub brush to Kathryn, whose friend observed of Andy Schlafly, “This just goes to show you that the shit doesn’t fall very far from the bat.” The line has already been copyrighted, but feel free to use it in pursuit of enlightenment, education, and human rights.

12 Responses to Stupidity is easy, parody is hard: Jesus removed from Texas Bibles

  1. lowerleavell says:

    Well said, Jim.

    Like

  2. Deech56 says:

    Andy Schlafly is famous for his correspondence with Richard Lenski. Scientists are still chortling over this:

    http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Lenski_affair

    Like

  3. Danielle says:

    Andy Schlafly is so much like his mother.

    Like

  4. mark says:

    But I suspect many of those conservatives prefer the gospel of the late Rev. Ike.

    Like

  5. Ellie says:

    The Conservapedia Bible, which will correct Scripture to say, “….but I say, love your enemies and do good to those who curse you….LOL….JK.”

    Like

  6. Jim Stanley says:

    Mark says, >>>”I remember hearing, as a young pup, someone claim the passage “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven” is misleading because in those old days, “the eye of a needle” referred to a large city gate, and a camel would have to dip its head a bit to get through. Thus, Jesus really meant that being rich was swell.”<<<

    Well…whoever told you that was half right. The important thing there is the broader context. Jesus was not issuing a blanket condemnation of wealth, per se. His teachings had just been rejected by a young and powerful man who would not give up his possessions to follow the Lord. The young man walked away from Jesus, saddened. Jesus' comment about the eye of the needle may well refer to a known gate in Jerusalem at the time that was referred to as "the needle's eye" because it was so very narrow.

    Contextually, it would seem the Savior was attempting to explain that whatever baggage you carried had to be left at the entrance to the narrow gate. Only YOU could fit through it. Your camel, your possessions, etc. could not.

    There are different inferences one can make, of course. For me, it means that Jesus isn't interested in our possessions, our achievements, our wealth or our status. He cares about us; that is — who we are at our core, in all our flawed humanity. That's what He came to redeem. If I attempt to impress Him with my status, my stock portfolio or any honors that have been accorded me, He might say, "Meh…that's nice. But what about the real you?" Jesus is interested in a relationship with those He came to seek and save. He doesn't need a lawyer, a banker or an agent. When He looked into the heart and mind of the rich, young ruler…he saw a man impressed with his own wealth and status. Still, Jesus invited the lad to leave it all — not because doing so would curry favor with the Savior. But because doing so would get to the root and core of who the rich, young man really was. That's who Jesus cared about.

    The Bible doesn't condemn wealth because it is intrinsically evil. It does condemn the love of wealth or putting one's trust in that wealth. Too, when the Scriptures condemn the wealthy, I don't see that the condemnation is automatically associated with the wealth itself…but with the fact that the wealthy are usually oppressors. A quick read of the book of Amos makes that abundantly clear. Yet, there are Scriptural examples of wealthy people who were blessed and honored by God because they freely shared of their bounty with the broken and the hurting.

    In short, it's not so much being rich that Jesus hates. He hates it, though, when the rich hoard, grab and live by the Randian mantra…"I got mine, Jack. Now root, hog or die." This is what's at issue.

    And tragically, it is exactly that mantra and mentality that the redactors of this new version of "scripture" are attempting to sustain and feed. Truly, I fear for them if they do not repent.

    Like

  7. mark says:

    I remember hearing, as a young pup, someone claim the passage “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven” is misleading because in those old days, “the eye of a needle” referred to a large city gate, and a camel would have to dip its head a bit to get through. Thus, Jesus really meant that being rich was swell.

    Like

  8. Jim Stanley says:

    Ed,

    Before doing ANYTHING involving Mr. Greenspan…(or Mr. Grienspann)…I will need to get permission from the Bilderbergs, the Masons, the UN, the Trilateral Commission and the Illuminati.

    Silly. You KNOW that!

    Like

  9. Ed Darrell says:

    Jim worries:

    And of course, what REALLY upsets me about this is that my secret plan to author “The Ayn Rand Study Bible” has just gone up in smoke. I would have made millions. I wonder who would have published it? Zondervan? Thomas Nelson? Moody?

    1. Over at the Chicago Dope site, someone missed the note at the top that it’s “not accurate.” I don’t think they’ve beaten you to the punch so much as displayed how big the market really is.

    2. Do you think anyone at Zondervan has a sense of humor, and would ever read Chicago Dope, or Millard Fillmore’s Bathtub? Heck, even if they did, you could sell it to Glenn Beck University, especially after you ghost write the introduction from Alan Greenspan (call him “Grienspann” to avoid libel charges).

    3. Before committing such a grand hoax, look up H. L. Mencken and his bathtub hoax, and his efforts to alert people it was a hoax. Or, see the history of “The Protocols of Zion.”

    Like

  10. Nick K says:

    Republic of Texas?

    Since when did Texas secede again? And have they paid us back for all the money we give them?

    Like

  11. Jim Stanley says:

    Ed. Seriously. Give a guy a break. I was trying to digest my breakfast.

    So now, Jesus didn’t forgive His enemies. And he only called men, not women. And his commandments to do good were “suggestions for volunteers” not marching orders for disciples. Oh, this is rich.

    And of course, what REALLY upsets me about this is that my secret plan to author “The Ayn Rand Study Bible” has just gone up in smoke. I would have made millions. I wonder who would have published it? Zondervan? Thomas Nelson? Moody?

    Like

  12. Devona Wyant says:

    I wonder if these wingnuts realize that the more they discredit the previous translations of the bible, the more they’re discrediting all bibles – including their own.
    There’s a common saying among atheists that actually reading the bible has made more atheists than anything else. These folks are going to speed up the process.

    Like

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